I don’t want to be alone tonight.
I am a complete mess tonight. I wasn’t earlier but now I am.
I have this…need, I guess, to be accepted by people and I’m always paranoid that they hate me, or they think I’m annoying, and they don’t want to be around me and they just don’t like me. And I’m even terrified that my boyfriend of nearly a year and a half hates me. I’ve been dealing with other mental demons since late October and I’ve been feeling like he’s absolutely sick of it. I can completely understand if he is and he doesn’t want to deal with my bullshit anymore but every time I ask him “Do I frustrate you?” or “Am I annoying?” he asks “What do you mean?” and it makes me feel worse. I just want him to be honest so if it hurts it hurts now and not later. I don’t want to be led on. Because that hurts and I’ve done it when I was younger and dumber. Maybe life is in payback mode for that.
I’m scared he’s only with me now because he doesn’t want me to kill myself if we break up and I don’t think that would happen but I don’t know for sure that it wouldn’t. He’s the best guy I’ve ever dated. He treats me well and I feel like we’re super-compatible…it’s just that I’m dealing with an undiagnosed mood/personality disorder and anxiety (in therapy, no diagnosis yet and I’ve been trying to avoid self-diagnosing because all that does is breed trouble) and I feel like I take it out on him and I force him to deal with it too.
I feel like I’m a fucking shitty girlfriend, too. I don’t even know why. But I’m also a pretty terrible person too…I’m demanding and bitchy and I feel like I’m manipulative as hell. There’s a little voice in the back of my mind saying things like Go ahead and cry, it’ll make people feel sorry for you and isn’t that what you want? You’re so fucking pathetic it hurts. Nobody wants a mopey loser for a friend.
I can think of three friends who escape the “Everyone hates you” statement and I have no idea why they do and my boyfriend doesn’t. Everyone else I feel like they only hang out with me out of pity and they don’t like me at all. I’m scared that they’re going to stop inviting me out with them. We went to the rodeo back in March…I was riding with them and before we met up I asked the friend who was driving if they’d left yet and he said yes…it fucking broke me. I was so fucking excited and then that text…god you can’t fucking do that with me. I basically just collapsed back on my bed and started crying until he texted me back “Just kidding. We’re in C’s room, come when you’re ready” and it’s like as if I wasn’t scared enough already that they didn’t like me, now he’s going and making me feel like my friends hate me.
I also have attachment issues I guess, I’m scared to get close to people because they’re just going to betray me and so I push them away and so I don’t really have friends. I feel so fucking alone and I just want to be around people who like me, who don’t care that sometimes I don’t think before I speak or sometimes my jokes come out all wrong and they’re terrible and stupid and mean and I guess I just don’t want to be *that* friend. And I feel like I am and I hate it.
And not even my boyfriend is exempt from the “everyone hates me” thoughts…I’m scared that one day he’s going to be completely fed up with me and he’s going to break up with me and I’m going to be alone forever because if he doesn’t like me then who else will? I don’t even like myself.
He said that we can’t sleep together anymore (in the innocent sense, not the sexy one) because his parents will flip out if they find us and yeah I understand that but seriously I don’t fucking care about that. I feel like he doesn’t want me and I just want to snuggle with him because that makes everything feel better. He’s been promising me for almost a month now that he’ll talk to his parents about what I’m dealing with but he hasn’t yet and I’m getting kind of annoyed about it. I feel like he’s not even trying to make the time to do it…and I don’t think I can do it myself because it’s hard enough trying to talk to my own mom about it, let alone his parents.
I’m just sick of feeling unwanted I guess. Maybe I’ll sneak out and cuddle up to him tonight and fall asleep like that and deal with whatever happens in the morning. I don’t want to be alone.
I’ve been reading up a lot on personality disorders and it scares me how many of the ‘symptoms’ I can check off for some of them. Armchair-psychologist-ing myself is wrong and I tell myself that but I also want to know exactly what it is I’m dealing with and so I can start learning to recognize when it’s the disease and when it’s me. I just want to be happy and forget all the demons but when it’s 1:30 and I can’t snuggle up next to my boyfriend (because he says his parents will flip out if they find us in the same bed in the morning) that’s fucking impossible to do.
I’m broken and I can’t put myself back together this time. I’m 400 miles away from home and a week and a half away from classes starting up again so psych wards aren’t an option and it’s not like I can take meds anyways. I’m fucked and all I can do is hide it and post stupidly long things like this. I’m sorry if you read it all. I don’t know how to organize this except by when it pops into my head…it doesn’t really go together in a coherent manner.